What Sparks Joy

Marie Kondo coined the phrase “only keep what sparks joy” in her very popular decluttering technique, but it seems this philosophy has spread into many areas of our lives, and does not necessarily serve us in the way we hoped.

There is a difference between surrounding yourself with things and people that make you happy, as well as pursuing hobbies and interests that give you pleasure, versus only going for activities and tasks that feel easy and comfortable. This is a luxury that many people have – to order in instead of cook, to watch a movie instead of going to the gym, and to have another snack than to stop. 

But it goes deeper than this.

Have you noticed that any nice thing that happens in your life, you just as quickly get used to it, and go back to the same state of being as before? If not, I invite you to think about the last thing you were so looking forward to. Did it actually change your life, or did you go back to the same exact state of mind as before you had this thing?

If you were unhappy before the thing came into your life, it will not change your mood or state of being when you get it. Your brain automatically gets used to what is happening around you, because being in a constant state of excitement is biologically and mentally unsustainable. It’s called “habituation”, and your brain does this to ensure you have the energy to take what life throws at you – you cannot stay distracted by the shiny thing. 

This happens for literally everything in life.

Relationships, a new job, purchasing a new accessory or even going on vacation. Eventually, once the novelty has settled in, our brain is going back to the same anxiety-ridden environment, and potentially even worse off, because we placed our happiness on a future happening. “I thought this was my dream job, why am I still struggling to be happy in it?” “The honeymoon phase has ended”. Even though it’s biologically inevitable, there are ways we can actually milk our happiness and satisfaction, but it’s not easy.

We know that constantly going from one gratification to the next is a recipe for disaster, so logically, the opposite must be true. We are unhappier than ever, because instead of patiently and tenaciously working on a project to the end, we interrupt our flow with different distractions that give us a small boost. For example, checking our phone, going to get a snack, or even ordering food and then watching TV. We are irritated until this project is done: “Once I finish this project, I can finally relax”. But as soon as you are through with it, you feel no true satisfaction, because you had no stakes in the game. You got your reward, the snack, the scroll, before even finishing the project.

So what is the point of finishing it, if our rewards and gratifications are constantly at our fingertips?

That is precisely the problem, we are more and more unhappy, because it is evergrowingly easier to get what we want for the lowest effort possible. Discontent is our natural state, and can only be fulfilled by a sense of achievement. If the achievements are easier and easier, where does our satisfaction come from? And more importantly, when we have everything we want and need, where does our dissatisfaction come from?

This all ties nicely to my previous blog about cognitive dissonance: we logically know we are better off than many, yet our mental state reflects poorly.

How can those two be true at the same time?

I want to bring an example from my own experience. I can have the most amazing day with my friends, going around the sunny city without a plan, getting a nice tan and ending with sunset drinks. I get home, feeling good, satisfied, happy. But then the next morning I wake up, and I’m unhappy again. The better I felt the day before, the worse I feel the next day.

Because when you don’t do something difficult, which then gives you a reward, you will never be satisfied. 

So, what is the solution? 

Try to do one hard thing everyday. Make yourself proud.

If you leave your daily, weekly routine, and change it up just a little bit to make it more challenging, you will automatically feel more rewarded. 

What I started doing is, once a day, when I don’t feel like doing something (like putting away the dishes, swap scrolling for reading, or even just getting out of the house to write my blog), I choose one moment in the day where I WILL do one of those things.This builds tolerance to boredom and difficult things, which in turn makes it easier for your to become satisfied.

I end up avoiding the uncomfortable feeling of procrastination, because I know I will have to do the difficult thing at SOME point in my day. But that also means I can enjoy the other moments more fully, and be more present for them.

In summary, do the hard things now to feel better later, but that’s not news to you 😉

Now you have it broken down in a different way than you’ve heard before, so hopefully it helps you take those steps.

With love,

Nastia

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