Many of us feel like life can be so hard sometimes, that we are often dealing with difficult moments.
Are you sure that life is difficult, or are you making it this way?
The concept of pain vs suffering has been introduced to me recently. I was one of those people that believed that I’ve been through so many painful moments, that I’m traumatised, and that everything that happens in my life is due to past experiences.
Well I got myself and my ego handed to me in just a few minutes. I was in a workshop in Peru, and we were going around the circle, sharing anything we would like to share. It could be how you were feeling that day, how you experienced the previous day, or any question that you have.
Throughout the morning, I was in a really good mood. I was practically dancing around, hugging everyone, smiling, and overall happy. I even mentioned to the leader, Mikis, before it was my turn, that I felt great today. However, the girl before me (who ended up being so similar to me) shared a story about feeling pain. It really sounded sad and relatable, and Mikis decided to share a song with us to explain this concept of pain vs suffering.
I will link the song here, and I suggest you listen to it with your eyes closed, and think of a moment when you really felt pain. Mikis suggested that we do the same, and once I did, so many tears started rolling down my face. Yes, the workshop is a heavy duty one, where we are like fragile children in one moment, and strong warriors the next. But most importantly, we have collectively decided to trust the process, and therefore let our guard down and allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
So as I’m listening to this song, thinking of a breakup that left me miserable for months, my mood completely changes. I am sad, quiet, and a complete 180 to what I was feeling before.
My turn was next.
“How are you feeling Nastia?”
”I’m okay”
”That’s interesting, because a few minutes ago you were bouncing off the walls. What happened”
I was shocked at his audacity. What does he mean? He just made all of us remember a really painful moment, of course I was going to cry! I was starting to get mad.
”Tell me about your painful moment”
I started telling him about my breakup, how messy it was, and how hard it was to let go. That even when this guy didn’t want something serious, I held on to him because I thought my love for him was stronger than needing things to go my way. I sacrificed my desire for a monogamous relationship just so I could spend time with this man, even if it meant we were just friends. If that isn’t pain, I don’t know what is!
”So, this guy didn’t want to have a relationship with you, and instead of doing what you wanted and staying true to yourself, you suffered for several months by staying with him.”
“At that point I was grateful to just be able to spend time with him. I gave up on the idea that we could be more than friends.”
”So instead of feeling the pain of the breakup, locking yourself away, crying and grieving him, you put a nice pink bandaid on, and kept seeing him, and suffering throughout?”
I was shocked.
”My dear, you have never felt real pain in your life. You have never truly loved someone in your life. Because to feel those things, you need to give yourself, and it’s all or nothing. When you love someone, you cannot bear to only be friends with them. My dear, that wasn’t pain, that was suffering, and it was all caused by YOU”
I had one of my biggest epiphanies then.
He was right. I didn’t love him. I didn’t allow myself to. Instead, I went in 80%, and accepted whatever 20% he was willing to give. Besides the fact that my self worth was horrible in this situation, but it truly shows that I didn’t fully commit to feeling my emotions, both pain and love, in this situation.
This lesson stuck with me ever since, and finally, yesterday, I had the chance to fully try his theory.
I have been in the process of applying for jobs for a few months now. I am quite happy with my current role, but through the role I realized what I am actually looking for, and what I don’t enjoy so much. PS: I took a Working Genius test which explains which type of work suits you best, and which work drains you, and this really opened my eyes to the aspects of my current work that I didn’t like.
In my job search, I actually got to the 3rd and final stage of the recruitment process for a company I really liked. However, this is the first time in my life where I am looking for another job not just for the sole reason that I either don’t have a job, or I absolutely hate my job. In both cases, I usually job search because I’m desperate. Throughout the whole interview process I make sure I do and say what I think they want to hear. Some of you probably know this feeling, and let me tell you, if you haven’t already figured it out, this is a recipe for disaster. Because what happens when you get the job on the pretence that you will “do anything to make the team happy?” That is exactly what is expected. You end up being in a really tough situation that you cannot keep up for long, because it is not who you are (or anyone is for that matter).
Luckily I started to learn this, so this time, because my current job is actually alright, I am just looking to level up in the video game, so the job search is much more narrow, and my energy is different. I am not just looking for any job – I am looking for a job where I can thrive in my skills, and I am much more honest with what the company can expect.
This is exactly what I did for this company which I reached the last stage of the recruitment process, which involved a 3h in-person interview, with different interviews with different team members, including the CCO (Chief Culture Officer), a 1h task prep and ending with a presentation. I felt like I did super well. Even though in the past I focused a lot on how to be the best candidate and ensure that they like me, meaning almost no attention to whether I myself like the company, this time I really tried to make sure I was also testing the company. It was such a weird feeling, because even according to my human design, I have a very week emotional and logical brain, meaning, I am very easy influenced.
I left the interview feeling like I really gave my best, but for some reason, I was feeling drained. I blamed it on the fact that I had to be “on” at 110% for 3 hours, but something else was off. The company was great, the benefits and salary even better. Everything was perfect – on paper. I tried to brush it off and focus on the rest of my day. They told me they would get back to me in a few days.
The more I thought about it, the more I was excited to hear back from this company. But as the 2nd day was coming to an end, I was starting to realise that maybe I will not get a positive answer. I was getting agitated and stressed, but still hopeful.
3:30pm, call from an Austrian number. I pick up.
“Although you were a great cultural fit, we don’t feel like we can offer you the growth you are seeking. We decided to go for a more junior candidate who we feel can get a lot of opportunity to grow within our company”
It stung. I understood, but it stung.
And this is where the whole pain vs suffering comes in. I didn’t immediately start thinking “I’m better off anyways”, “they don’t know what’s best for me”. In fact, I put my phone down, and cried.
I left myself cry and FEEL THE PAIN.
The pain of the rejection, the grief of all the effort I put in, the pain that I will need to find a way to be happy at my current job for a while longer. I cried a bit more, and my fiancé, who is so connected to me, called. He didn’t know I just had the rejection, but he could tell something was off. I talked a bit to him, cried a bit more.
And while I was crying, I could feel the pleasure in the pain.
The realisation that if I allow myself to grieve, cry and be hurt for this small period, I will be okay.
I gave myself that time, so that I didn’t need to suffer in the future.
This goes for any painful situation or trauma. If you allow yourself to simply feel it in the moment, instead of disconnecting, distracting or having thoughts of superiority, just for that small period of several minutes, you will be much better off.
And that’s exactly what happened to me. After 30 minutes, I was feeling great. And not due to toxic positivity, but great because I could actually see their rejection as a redirection. They were right! I was overqualified, and I DID want growth in my future job. They couldn’t offer it to me.
I’m touching on “toxic positivity” as one of the many self-development tips that are out there. To be always with a smile, to brush any problem off and focus on the good. As you can see, I did exactly the opposite, but got the same end result = being happy.
The goal of this blog is to make you reflect on any time you have felt “pain”, and think to yourself, was there anything I could have done to reduce the pain? Or did I just prolong suffering by using toxic positivity?
Looking forward to your thoughts.
Yours truly,
Nastia
